ekla cholo re

যদি আলো না ধরে, ওরে ওরে ও অভাগা,
যদি ঝড়-বাদলে আঁধার রাতে দুয়ার দেয় ঘরে-
তবে বজ্রানলে
আপন বুকের পাঁজর জ্বালিয়ে নিয়ে একলা জ্বলো রে।।

If they shut doors and do not hold up the light when the night is troubled with storm,
O thou unlucky one,
with the thunder flame of pain ignite your own heart,
and let it burn alone.
 Rabindranath Tagore (Source: Wikipedia)

I have mused on the topic of freedom in the past in a few posts, but let's get a clear definition first. Freedom really means very different things for different people. And what it means to us may not necessarily be what we have the capacity to apply to those around us or our loved ones. So begin with understanding your definition and the definition of those around you.

To me, freedom is a free mind and spirit. It includes the ability to have the thoughts that I have (even if they're not always positive happy thoughts). It means to investigate the questions my mind raises to conventional things. It means that if/when I find the courage to change something for the better, to go ahead and do it. It means if I feel something is truly right, to follow my instinct even if I'm alone. It also means to find the ability within yourself to take care of yourself.

Some people may believe freedom = selfishness, or too much time thinking about yourself. But in reality, if we look at the big picture, we're all a part of a big community, interconnected in more than one way with millions of people around the world. We are like the foundations on which a house can be built and be bolstered up. If, as parts of this important foundation, we do not look after ourselves and our needs, how can we be individually strong parts? Subsequently, we can't really be a strong part of the teams we build. Essentially, if one cannot take care of themselves, they can't be a integral part of the system they are a part of. And THAT can be extremely important in knowing one's value.

Finding yourself or finding courage do not have to be such difficult things to achieve. For most of us, it would be as simple as opening up our eyes, ears, and hearts more.

my dreamy India

My trip to India ended a while ago, but I'm left with thoughts I need to complete.

Growing up in the U.S., I saw family, friends, mostly those of my parents' ages, cribbing and complaining about India. The topics were mainly corruption and politics, and then some about potential (career/personal/financial) and safety. At that age, I had virtually no positive/negative experiences with any of those topics and remained connected to India solely through my extended family. I loved returning to India. I would pack all my best clothes just for India, sometimes shopping extra for the trip. I wanted to look my best and be my best. The summers spent in India - my birthday was an occasion not celebrating me, but celebrating my family and how close we were. I had no desire for gifts! Who wanted gifts when you could immerse yourself in the heavenly joy of family and friendship! I loved staying back with my cousins at their homes, spending a week at my grandparents home, relishing authentic homemade dishes, eating with my hands, being pampered, shopping with my aunt, the heat, the street food, and of course, movie nights. I enjoyed the attention I got, hanging out and fooling around with my cousins all day long, I couldn't ask for anything more than for the trip to be just a little longer. The thrill was high and the mental stimulation was never-ending. For 7-8 years straight, I cried every time on the night of our return. I would take back with me, in the form of a memory, the last song that played on our drive to the airport. I fantasized tirelessly about moving back to India eventually, with no preparation of how, with whom, or where exactly. As time went on, I continued to seek India, constantly, everywhere I went, and in every person I met. I sought symbols of India and proudly flaunted evidence of my Indian-ness in all the ways I could think of - I wore churidars when going shopping. I interchangeably wore necklaces with pendants of my favorite God/Goddess. I walked out of temples proudly sporting a long red tika on my forehead all day and all night, sometimes even to school. I had no shame in who I was and all the things that defined me. I longed to make friends who possibly spoke/understood Hindi, knew about Bollywood. I kept a journal in which I wrote, each day at lunch, purposefully in Hindi to push my limits. I read Hindi magazines to improve my fluency. On Independence Day (Aug 15) each year, when I would to to Devon with my family to watch the parade, I would dress in the best Indian clothes I have, because it was the closest thing to being in India. I would grab as many Indian flags that were being given out to fashion all around my bedroom later.

Essentially, I was looking to connect with someone who felt for India the way I did and who could resonate my thoughts. Someone I could talk to about my passion all the time.

Each time, coming back to the U.S. seemed dull, lonely, and too quiet for comfort. There was too much spare time and too little to do. A small family and barely any friends. While everyone eventually fell back into their routines, my cousins and I kept in touch through emails, chats, and phone calls, reporting all our secrets, discussing the current affairs in our families, and intimately remaining in each others lives. Our small office room in my home here, and my laptop gave me my dreamy escapes to India.

However, at some point, we all grew up and grew distant, for reasons too complicated to fit in a small blog post. Fate had more new beginnings in store for me though. As time progressed, I started college. On the first day as I settled into my dorm, I brought with me one of those Indian flags I got from Devon, and slipped in in my pencil holder mug, thinking to myself, this is a new beginning and I'm excited to meet new Indians! College speedily introduced me to new friends and I started to find a link between the Indian in me and my new friends. Some were Indian, some were not, but somehow, it all fell into place on its own and I felt less lost and more comfortable. I started grounding myself here, and the romantic idea of moving to India started to fade. While I am still deeply attached to India, I am not resentful about being here anymore. Strongly holding on to my dreamy India isolated me from living in the present, and so it took a really long time for me to find my new self. At the same time, I simply couldn't (and still can't) imagine my life and future without India as a part of it. I have finally disconnected the meaning of being Indian from anyone I knew in India, and have connected it to what it truly means to me to be culturally Indian. I have connected myself to India, not by people or any external factors, but by my cause - giving back. It was something I was born with and will forever connect me to my motherland. Only true relationships last in strength and time, and only certain experiences give us the courage we need to adapt. And together, I hope these two things may make my experience of India and America more wholesome and real.

Here are a few words/phrases I use to define Indian culture for myself:

• Generosity. Giving. Individual's responsibility to family/society/community.
• Humility. Acceptance.
• Unity. Family. Sharing.
• Giving back. (Quoting SDR)
• Transparency. Truth. Trust.

Here are a few words/phrases I use to define American culture for myself:

• Self-respect. Self-importance. Individual's responsibility to himself/herself.
• Courage. Self-realization.
• Independence. Friends. Space.
• Giving forward. (Quoting SDR)
• Transparency. Truth. Trust.

And no doubt, while the balance between the two may be shaky at times, these are all equally as important today in my life.

I don't want to connect India to corruption, politics, or sexual harassment. I want to highlight it as a country with tremendous hope and opportunity for all citizens, cultural unity, social humility, and a prosperous economic future.

day 1: my Indian dream

The flight was enjoyable, albeit a little delayed, but we still made it on time. The flight attendants were kind and patient, virtues I didn't similarly experience before in the airport, for which I then offered to fill out a feedback form, specifically mentioning names of the two female flight attendants who were especially nice. Often I find usual airport staff trying to shuffle and organize bunches of Indian passengers into lines - and these passengers come in many forms: some are patient and rule-abiding and often blend in to the white noise of the airport. Some are traveling for the first time and are often confused, struggling to find helpers in the airport who will be patient and communicate information clearly. Some don't know what's going on, but are afraid of being mislead or confused, and push through lines and fight their way to the officers on duty. In my opinion, airport staff should be trained to handle passengers of all types, without any frustration or bias. After all, their job is of customer service first and foremost.

After we landed, we stepped outside the airport, welcomed by a hot gush of air. Even though travel was 13 hours, I felt mostly clean and refreshed. But the 5 minutes walk to pull the luggage to the parking in the humid hotness of Delhi, changed my mind. Yup, I need to shower and change :)

The car was filled with discussions of the new changes in Delhi, criticisms mostly, criticisms glittered with smirks and laughter that only showed how hopeless everyone felt about India. Once again, I witnessed a small "accident" (no one was physically hurt - but their egos had surfaced enough to draw a crowd). A young boy on a bike (a motor-bike) and someone my dad's age were verbally arguing and their body language seeming intentionally threatening. Everyone turned around to see - I looked away. It makes me very sad :( Will I be that person some day? Will someone I know and care about be in that place someday?

I sensed today a general fear in our public. Fear of being overtaken (on the road or in a queue while waiting), fear of our needs being neglected (pleasing the immigration officer, being especially nice to officials). For these reasons, Indians have grown up with virtues of tolerance and persistence. And when I'm in India, I sense these characteristics resurfacing in a broken, weird way. I start feeling aggressive, angry, and pushy. And maybe because I place these feelings incorrectly in situations, I often feel displaced myself. Indians practice overcoming feelings of failure, sadness, or basically anything that keeps them from achieving their basic and immediate needs. Each Indian on the road has their mind on the most immediate agenda for the day and their focus is honed in on it. There isn't time for a long discussion to ponder our feelings or to discuss the complexities of life. There isn't time to think about how you would ideally want things to be. There is time only for tolerance or action, and time only to prioritize and get things done.

I guess we never want to hear things from others that we ourselves feel. I wish so badly to be proven wrong but it's hard when those you're closest to have adopted and taught you the fear. Our previous generation gloats about the "Indian culture" but then why is there so much fear in them to return to India? Why are they so free about criticizing and so hesitant to enact change? I guess I know "why" but what I'll never understand is their lack of interest in progressive change. Somewhere, with certain things, they have tolerated, accepted, and then given up. Giving up is the scariest thing in the whole world and I hope to God that I never give up on my Indian dream no matter how tough it gets.

The start hasn't been positive. And I'm starting to realize that before I really see India, I may need a new pair of glasses. Maybe I need to start this journey with the right people, so that I can be unblinded.

day 0

We're delayed by many hours, so the start of this journey is unexpected. But as always, the rain has welcomed a new beginning. My mind collects the various excerpts of the lives people have lived in their transitions between India and here. A friend shared this interesting article by the author of India Calling, Anand Giridharadas. I'm hoping with all my heart, to be met with refreshing new experiences. I'm hoping to come back with a new mind and a new perspective. Looking back, it almost seems impossible. But this time, I hope to be at the right place, at the right time, and around the right people. At least some small percentage of the time. And I'm hoping my trusty phone/camera will support these experiences and I will make new memories which I will welcome in my next trips.