day 5: me vs. myself

I stayed at home today and spent some time with my niece. She's a beautiful, charming little girl, highly curious, demanding, dramatic, and extroverted. I wonder who imbibed these qualities in her, but am glad that she speaks up nevertheless. I am closely surrounded by numerous subtle and not-so-subtle examples of male chauvinism, sexism, and misogyny. It's sickening the roles that are assigned to everyone and even more sickening the twisted way in which they accept it. As I get pushed to the background and watch silently, I end up only harvesting very strong negative feelings within me. I make mental notes to self, "this is something I will never allow in the future," all the while doing nothing for the present. I know I won't last in this environment very long, at least not as myself.

The spectrum which includes the various formulations of acceptance is well-represented here. There are those who are blissfully, pleasantly, conveniently ignorant. Hence they are also the most tolerant, often scapegoats, punching bags, generally least respected, most likely to compromise, and most often.....they are women. Often compromising their self-respect, independence, and self-confidence, this is in the end is the only way they find stability and peace in their individual lives. It's an exchange they have made with their lives willingly. There are some who have a secret life behind the walls of simplicity and humility, and facade of wealth. Places and people they go to for escape and release, while they live superficial lives that reek of age-old, misplaced traditions. Things they know and do that make them dangerous to be around. Some harbor jealousy and a few, even worse, revenge. It's like living an Indian serial, with all the drama, romance, jealousy, and violence. In this jungle, my trust flutters around aimlessly, unsuccessfully trying to find people to land on.

I find myself confused sometimes - wondering if I should just blend in and do as these women do, to get on with life. But something inside me hates myself for even thinking in that direction. I can't let this cycle go on.

However, I haven't given up. I want to end by saying that even with such experiences, I so badly seek a glimmer of hope that I don't need now very much to keep faith. Faith that humanity and its culture are on their way to betterment. And I will be a part of this revolution. Revolution in some ways against myself, I will use all the strength that I have to change what I have the courage and power to.

day 2: independence

Some people have the wrong idea of independence. My mom said to me a few days back, "sometimes you're too independent." I thought about what she meant - is there such a thing as too much independence?? I realized she simply wanted me to depend on her more than I wanted to. For me, true independence starts from the mind and heart. The desire and then ability, to think and opine "carefreely." It then takes form through actions. Independence is not being anti-social and not wanting to depend on anyone. It's simply being self-reliant and not needing it. It's not about isolating oneself, but it's about being secure, stable, and confident so one can support others around them. It's about the journey continuing to fulfill yourself as a person, through believing and trusting yourself.

This morning started with rain that cooled temperatures down to the 70s! Woohoo!! We visited my aunt today. I love going to that side of the town. I get a rush of nostalgia and happiness tingles me from within! I feel like I'm 10-15 years younger and back to my maternal grandparents house. I love being pampered, loved, showered with care and sincerity, and that's exactly how they treat me every single time! I love the brazen honesty and the immediately inclusion into their family! Most of all, I love the sincerity and strength of their individual relationships with each other. It gives me hope, it gives me such a boost of positive energy. Above all, it proves all those people wrong who think anything is fair (tolerance, sacrifice, loss of self-respect and confidence) to keep a relationship alive. Yes! Relationships can be healthy and beautiful and I'm witnessing it right now! :) Take that, world!

Though my aunt has now shifted to the next building, the look is similar, and with them around, so is the feel. I saw pictures of my grandparents on the side table, and just wanted to cry. I miss them so much. I envisioned my grandma in the kitchen, rolling away chappathis and asking me to recite shloks after her. She wouldn't let me eat without washing my hands first and doing my evening prayers. Sometimes I wouldn't understand a Sanskrit word here and there and would try to get away by mumbling what I thought it sounded like...hoping that God, being my friend, would understand what I'm trying to say anyway. After all, the sincerity of the devotee is more important than their ability to pronounce Sanskrit words or recite shloks. As my aunt fed me dosas and sambar, I relished them, wondering the whole time if my grandparents were watching me at this moment, and if they were happy to see me. I secretly giggled with glee! When we left, I felt like grandpa was walking out with me. The feelings were a combination of sadness and satisfaction.

On our drive back, I noticed a girl at a gas station, backing her car to get close to the gas pump (actually the petrol pump..heehee!). I thought to myself - that's independence. Not only do I absolutely suck at backing cars, I also can't imagine myself driving in India. But small forms of such independence rebelliously spark my interest. Hmm. If I were driving in India, I wouldn't worry about being hit from the back or the front as much as I'd worry about being hit from the sides. I really think driving within the lanes will take out 80% of the stress and frustration of the drivers. Sure it won't make life any faster, but it'll make driving a little more predictable. I like that. I like predictable :)

I have been generally counting how many males and females I saw on our drives, and I can say with conviction that there is a much higher percentage of men out on the street than women, especially more so at night (and I wouldn't want to make this statement without having seen it first).

I also saw an ambulance squeezing its way out of thick traffic, but what caught my eye was a small Maruti Suzuki (I think?) that moved out of its way. I smiled. I also saw a bunch of young guys manning a stall, shouting out and sharing free cherry-colored drinks to passerbys and drivers in the midday heat. That was kind of them. I'm happy. Today's been a good day.

day 1: my Indian dream

The flight was enjoyable, albeit a little delayed, but we still made it on time. The flight attendants were kind and patient, virtues I didn't similarly experience before in the airport, for which I then offered to fill out a feedback form, specifically mentioning names of the two female flight attendants who were especially nice. Often I find usual airport staff trying to shuffle and organize bunches of Indian passengers into lines - and these passengers come in many forms: some are patient and rule-abiding and often blend in to the white noise of the airport. Some are traveling for the first time and are often confused, struggling to find helpers in the airport who will be patient and communicate information clearly. Some don't know what's going on, but are afraid of being mislead or confused, and push through lines and fight their way to the officers on duty. In my opinion, airport staff should be trained to handle passengers of all types, without any frustration or bias. After all, their job is of customer service first and foremost.

After we landed, we stepped outside the airport, welcomed by a hot gush of air. Even though travel was 13 hours, I felt mostly clean and refreshed. But the 5 minutes walk to pull the luggage to the parking in the humid hotness of Delhi, changed my mind. Yup, I need to shower and change :)

The car was filled with discussions of the new changes in Delhi, criticisms mostly, criticisms glittered with smirks and laughter that only showed how hopeless everyone felt about India. Once again, I witnessed a small "accident" (no one was physically hurt - but their egos had surfaced enough to draw a crowd). A young boy on a bike (a motor-bike) and someone my dad's age were verbally arguing and their body language seeming intentionally threatening. Everyone turned around to see - I looked away. It makes me very sad :( Will I be that person some day? Will someone I know and care about be in that place someday?

I sensed today a general fear in our public. Fear of being overtaken (on the road or in a queue while waiting), fear of our needs being neglected (pleasing the immigration officer, being especially nice to officials). For these reasons, Indians have grown up with virtues of tolerance and persistence. And when I'm in India, I sense these characteristics resurfacing in a broken, weird way. I start feeling aggressive, angry, and pushy. And maybe because I place these feelings incorrectly in situations, I often feel displaced myself. Indians practice overcoming feelings of failure, sadness, or basically anything that keeps them from achieving their basic and immediate needs. Each Indian on the road has their mind on the most immediate agenda for the day and their focus is honed in on it. There isn't time for a long discussion to ponder our feelings or to discuss the complexities of life. There isn't time to think about how you would ideally want things to be. There is time only for tolerance or action, and time only to prioritize and get things done.

I guess we never want to hear things from others that we ourselves feel. I wish so badly to be proven wrong but it's hard when those you're closest to have adopted and taught you the fear. Our previous generation gloats about the "Indian culture" but then why is there so much fear in them to return to India? Why are they so free about criticizing and so hesitant to enact change? I guess I know "why" but what I'll never understand is their lack of interest in progressive change. Somewhere, with certain things, they have tolerated, accepted, and then given up. Giving up is the scariest thing in the whole world and I hope to God that I never give up on my Indian dream no matter how tough it gets.

The start hasn't been positive. And I'm starting to realize that before I really see India, I may need a new pair of glasses. Maybe I need to start this journey with the right people, so that I can be unblinded.

heirarchy of needs

I joined recently a program that allows me to mentor an intern where I work. I'm curious to know what this intern will learn at her time here and very excited to be a part of her growth and experience. I hope that my involvement will be fruitful for her.

When I take a step back to think about how I've sought a mentor (or more than one) in the past few weeks, I'm saddened. I spoke to at least 5 people, and only 2 out of the 5 people I met were positive about our meeting. While no one really had anything to offer in terms of opportunities, their positivity was enough to keep alive my drive. While some provided their hopeful insights, some were discouraging in their interaction and almost seemed afraid that I would take their jobs.

Many people add us on LinkedIn, so many without a consideration about what this "professional connection" actually should mean. I'm always shocked to find people, even if just one, who actively seek help but do not actively give help. It's unbelievable. The idea of networking is always so business-oriented that people refrain from "networking" with those who aren't professionally or just immediately, useful to them. I absolutely dislike this term "networking" when really it should be about every single person trying to help each other. I've always believed that the only thing that truly makes us different from animals is our complex mind and our ability to help each other out - so something makes me not want to believe that Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest is totally true, but what might make sense is this:

..with self-actualization being also moral and social responsibility. Without our basic needs, first few tiers, fulfilled, we struggle to think beyond ourselves. I can only hope that we can all climb up this ladder with self-respect and dignity.

Maybe though, for us humans, survival of the fittest refers to the mentally and emotionally strongest.

gender bias

While filling out a survey on gender bias, I found myself writing more than I planned to and answering in longer lengths.

To what extent do you think the following contribute the current "epidemic of rape and sexual abuse" in India?
Co-education, in combination with strong emphasis on mutual respect for one another, regardless of gender (or any other differences), AND in combination with consequences for violating one's private space, would help.

I think the lack of co-education definitely contributes. Segregating girls from boys might protect in one sense. But in another definition, it also brings more to light the fact that society believes girls and boys are not capable of sharing the same space. If instead, a secure/safe environment is harbored where both may co-exist and share the same space, I think opportunities are provided for three things to be learned: mutual respect, teamwork, and standing up for each other. While it may also bring light to the differences between boys and girls, it will also put forth chances for people to practice what they have learned. To stick up for friends and non-friends. To be a part of upholding justice, by not just refraining from doing the wrong things, but by consciously making the right choices and inciting the courage from within themselves to protect the fellow man/woman.

Rape has nothing to do with what one wears, thinks, or says. It simply has to do with the fact that the one committing the crime is in need of power, which in the mind of a messed up person, is achieved through abuse, through making the victim feel inferior and powerless. It's only about feeling stronger by making the victim feel weaker. It's a cowardly thing to do.

I think while the victim/survivor's behavior can go to show positive interest to their assaulter, I don't see anyone (girl or boy) desiring to be assaulted. Even in the cases where one shows interest, it does not signify that they are asking to be harassed or assaulted in any way against their wishes.

It would be smarter for a society to work to improve its standards, rather than only applying the opposite measures and telling victims to constantly be on the defense. Improving standards equates to having respect for all members of the society, creating a safe environment for all members of the society, putting boundaries w/o restricting the freedom of thought and speech, and the right to demand and get justice. According to Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs, when one does not feel safe, they are stuck at the 2nd tier of the ladder, which would have otherwise took them to becoming a better, more wholesome and complete person.

Any crime unpunished is bound to be tested and tried and repeated. It's an unfortunate concept, but where education and moral science is out of reach or seems to fail, punishment is the only method to discourage the same behavior. Countries with strict punishments don't experience minor criminal offenses as much as countries with unbalanced or non-executed laws.

Social media, tv serials, movies, etc. in the Indian culture glamorize the concept of women in beautiful Indian clothing, but confined to the spaces of the home. The problem isn't even so much that the women are constantly dressed up, caked in make-up, working at home, or that they may not have jobs. The problem is their lack of "access" to resources directly, and instead only through their husbands/families. Lack of access or stepping out of the house does contribute to lack of independence, which, in the moment of an abusive situation, will set them up for only loss. Even if women don't work outside the home or don't hold jobs, or are just housewives, I would encourage them to step out and be socially involved in their society/community and in building up standards for their society.

More than the skewed male/female ratio, the issue would be the reason for why it's that way. i.e. preference for male child, parents don't want to have to give dowry if they have a daughter, parents don't want to have to worry about a daughter, her safety and honor, etc.

The flip side of this main issue focuses on how sometimes people think working/staying at home, cooking, cleaning are lesser jobs. Just like it is believed that women who work outside the house or are earning are more empowered. I think one does not need to feel that being a housewife is any less empowering. Education, honor, respect can be earned even while doing a job at home. Similarly, if a man/husband decides to be the one to cook/clean etc, it need not be seen as a less prestigious or reputable job.